I’m a wife and a mother and I completely lose myself in those roles. I don’t put myself first, I make building the life we all live the priority.
This is probably the most personal post I will ever write, certainly for this site, but I felt the need to answer this.
I have no doubt that I am not alone in this, I believe that most wives and mothers are putting themselves last.
Why do we do that? I don’t really know but I keep coming back to America Ferrera’s monologue in The Barbie movie. (Thank you to the LA Times for posting this and making it an easy cut and paste.)
It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow, we’re always doing it wrong.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.
The fact that these words resonated with women everywhere tells me that I am not alone. How do I find the balance when I add myself into the equation? Self-love and acceptance are probably the answer here, a little more grace for myself, perhaps.
I didn’t even grow up with the thought that I would get married and have kids. My mom was a single mother and fucking rocked it. I didn’t need the archetype to be successful or fulfilled. It wasn’t till my late 20’s that I met my now husband. He changed my want for a family and kids, but not in a forceful way, I just had finally met someone that I wanted to make a family with and the drive for that want, I suppose, is what lead me to put myself behind that goal. I don’t know why, it really just seems to come naturally. Before this I subsisted on uncrustables and frozen burritos. Making a lunch for someone else was as foreign a thought as possible. Sometimes I stop and high school me is like what the fuck?! How is it even possible? 🤷♀️ Maybe it is nature, if someone / thing isn’t the glue then will it ever work?
Don’t get me wrong, I love working towards my family unit and raising a child, that is very fulfilling, but it is separate from me. I am my own person with my own needs, wants and interests aside from my family’s. As a mom you get used to no one asking you about those things.
This website and sharing my photographs publicly, this endeavor I have undertaken here is an outlet for me – my own personal needs. This doesn’t benefit my family in anyway shape or form, however it is exactly what my brain needs, and in turn that allows me to be a better spouse and mother.
So, yeah, y’ins asked and that is my answer. ✌️
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